Friday, October 12, 2007

A Broken Friendship

A sad thing happened today. A person who has been a friend for over 25 years decided to end our friendship. I have no idea what has caused this, although I began to notice changes with her about the time we began to build our house a year ago. She began to distance herself from me, even to the point of being rude. I let these things go past me because I valued our friendship and figured it would blow over. Last April she showed up at my door to apologize in a rambling sort of way, saying that she was sorry for all the rude things she had said and done. She said she felt as if she had been living her life through me and had to distance herself. I gave her a hug and said it was all fine now, hoping that was the end of it. Things did not change at all. Today she came to my house and apologized again, but this time said some things that hurt me very much. It was nothing I had said or done to her, nor anything I have any control over. She has created a very uncomfortable situation since there are times we cannot avoid one another. I just don't understand at all and probably never will. I didn't know what to say as she stood on my doorstep and said, "We don't have anything in common since our kids grew up." She is wrong but how can I argue if she feels that way? After my initial shock I composed an email responding as kindly as possible but still being direct. I read that email many times to make sure I wasn't just trying to hurt her back, although maybe I did want to do that just a little. I feel she has done irreparable damage now. When a person apologizes for their own benefit, saying things that hurt, then it isn't really an apology, is it? It would be better to be silent than to say harmful things about which the other person has no control.

To assuage my hurt today I started a new knitting project: a little baby sweater for a sweet baby girl! I'm not ready to jump back on the Hemlock Ring Horse yet. This project will go quickly.

It is going to be a busy weekend. I have to work Friday night and Saturday morning. We have a wedding to go to Saturday afternoon and evening. Church on Sunday morning and then an event to attend on Sunday afternoon, although that one will be just about an hour. Hope all of you have a great weekend!


Tussilago said...

Hello Paula
Thank you for your nice comment on what I wrote in the "Anne of Green Gables-along". I wanted to learn more about now I`ve visited your blog. I like beeing I`ll be back;)
I`ve read your piece on the ended frindship..and know the feeling of beeing part of a bad mowie where someone else has the stage management. Good friends give eachother energi, this friend of yours dosn`t seem to give you eny energi, rather the opposite. So...maby this is all for the best..and you`d better just try to let the bad feeling go. And starting on a new knitting project is a good start;))

Paula said...

Thank youj for your good thoughts. You've described this situation exactly--like a bad movie! I am trying to let go and let God do the rest.

I visited your blog and see you are from Northern Norway. My husband and I traveled by train and bus to visit his relatives in Norway when we were on our honeymoon. (I think I will share some of that on my blog someday.) We stayed with cousins on the family farm near Tromso, where his grandfather was born and grew up. That was a wonderful trip!

Hoc Age said...

I am truely sorry to hear of the your lost of this friendship. I agree with tussilago about the giving nature of friendships. It seems to me you have been patient and compassionate while trying to understand what her perspective is. Some friends do grow apart but it is usually on pleasant terms, which leads me to believe that she is not in a happy place and is dumping part of it on you. Whatever the situation maybe, I know that this will takes some time to heal, so I wish you well.

Paula said...

We've already come to a truce. I am not one to hold a grudge and although she did not really apologize, she admitted in an email that she had said horrible things to me. When she told another friend what she had said, the friend responded, "Oh no, you didn't!" I don't think things will ever be quite the same between us but we can perhaps have a friendship of a different kind. I'm telling you, this felt like being back in junior high school again! Thanks for responding.

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